Another classy guy, Patrick Stewart wrote this article about the childhood filled with domestic violence against his mother.  From The Guardian (UK):

Patrick Stewart: the legacy of domestic violence

As a child, the actor regularly saw his father hit his mother. Here he describes how the horrors of his childhood remained with him in his adult life

Patrick Stewart as a baby with his mother Gladys. Photograph: Collect

My father was, in many ways, a man of discipline, organisation and charisma – a regimental sergeant major no less. One of the very last men to be evacuated from Dunkirk, his third stripe was chalked on to his uniform by an officer when no more senior NCOs were left alive. Parachuted into Crete and Italy, both times under fire, he fought at Monte Casino and was twice mentioned in dispatches. A fellow soldier once told me, “When your father marches on to the parade ground, the birds in the trees stop singing.”

In civilian life it was a different story. He was an angry, unhappy and frustrated man who was not able to control his emotions or his hands. As a child I witnessed his repeated violence against my mother, and the terror and misery he caused was such that, if I felt I could have succeeded, I would have killed him. If my mother had attempted it, I would have held him down. For those who struggle to comprehend these feelings in a child, imagine living in an environment of emotional unpredictability, danger and humiliation week after week, year after year, from the age of seven. My childish instinct was to protect my mother, but the man hurting her was my father, whom I respected, admired and feared.

From Monday morning to Friday tea time he worked as a semi-skilled labourer, and was diligent and sober. Often funny and charming, he was always rich in the personal stories of warfare and adventure that thrilled me. But come Friday night, after the pubs closed, we awaited his return with trepidation. I would be in bed but not asleep. I could never sleep until he did; while he was awake we were all at risk. Instead, I would listen for his voice, singing, as he walked home. Certain songs were reassuring: I’ll Take You Home Again, Kathleen; I’ll Walk Beside You . . . But army songs were not a good sign. And worst of all was silence. When I could only hear footsteps it was the signal to be super-alert.

Our house was small, and when you grow up with domestic violence in a confined space you learn to gauge, very precisely, the temperature of situations. I knew exactly when the shouting was done and a hand was about to be raised – I also knew exactly when to insert a small body between the fist and her face, a skill no child should ever have to learn. Curiously, I never felt fear for myself and he never struck me, an odd moral imposition that would not allow him to strike a child. The situation was barely tolerable: I witnessed terrible things, which I knew were wrong, but there was nowhere to go for help. Worse, there were those who condoned the abuse. I heard police or ambulancemen, standing in our house, say, “She must have provoked him,” or, “Mrs Stewart, it takes two to make a fight.” They had no idea. The truth is my mother did nothing to deserve the violence she endured. She did not provoke my father, and even if she had, violence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it.

No one came to help. No adult stepped in and took charge. I needed someone else to take over and tell me everything was going to be all right and that it wasn’t my fault. I wanted the anger to go away and, while it stayed, I felt responsible. The sense of guilt and loneliness provoked by domestic violence is tainting – and lasting. No one came, but everyone knew. Our small houses were close together. Every Monday morning I walked to school with my head down, praying that I would not encounter a neighbour or school friend who had heard the weekend’s rows. I felt ashamed.

Very occasionally one person would come to our aid – Mrs Dixon, our next-door neighbour, the only person who would stand up to my father. She would throw open the door and stand before him, bosom bursting and her mighty weaver’s forearm raised in his face. “Come on, Alf Stewart,” she would say, “have a go at me.” He never did. He calmed down and went to bed. Now I wish I could take Lizzie Dixon’s big hand in mine and thank her.

Such experiences are destructive. In my adult life I have struggled to overcome the bad lessons of my father’s behaviour, this corrosive example of male irresponsibility. But the most oppressive aspect of these experiences was the loneliness. Very recently, during a falling-out with my girlfriend, I felt again as though I were shut out and alone, not heard or understood. I was neither, but it was such a familiar isolation that it was almost a comfort and consolation.

I managed to find my own refuge in acting. The stage was a far safer place for me than anything I had to live through at home – it offered escape. I could be someone else, in another place, in another time. However, whenever the role called for anger, fury, or the expression of murderous impulses, I was always afraid of what I might unleash if I surrendered myself to those feelings. It was not until 1981, when the director Ronald Eyre asked me to play the psychotic Leontes in The Winter’s Tale, that the breakthrough came.

He quietly told me that the play would only work if I gave myself over, completely and totally, to the delusions, madness and murderousness of this man. “If you do that,” Ron said, “I will be at your side. I will be available to you 24 hours a day.” From that time forward I was never again afraid of my feelings on stage.

The truth is that domestic violence touches many of us. It is very possible that someone you know – a friend, sister, daughter or colleague – is experiencing abuse. One in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in her lifetime. And every week two women are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales, and 10 women take their own lives as the only way they know how to escape a violent partner. You are almost certainly paying for it. Domestic violence costs around £26bn a year in medical, legal and housing costs.

This violence is not a private matter. Behind closed doors it is shielded and hidden and it only intensifies. It is protected by silence – everyone’s silence. Which is why, in 2007, I became patron of Refuge, the national domestic violence charity. Every day the organisation supports more than 1,000 women and children through its national network of refuges and services. At Refuge, women and children are given psychological support to help them overcome the trauma of abuse. A team of independent legal advocates are on hand to protect women at high risk of violence through the legal process.

Thanks to Refuge’s tireless campaigning, attitudes have changed. Police tactics have improved and most men are no longer able to get away with beating women. Yet the statistics still make for grim reading. More than two thirds of the residents in Refuge’s network of refuges are children. I cannot express how sad – and angry – it makes me to think that we still cannot ensure the safety of women and children in their own homes.

Most people find the idea of violence against women – and sometimes, though rarely, against men – abhorrent, but do nothing to challenge it. More women and children, just like my mother and me, will continue to experience domestic violence unless we all speak out against it. You can do this by supporting Refuge’s latest campaign, Four Ways To Speak Out.

Let us know what you think about how domestic violence victims are supported and protected in this country. Email women@guardian.co.uk or write to Women, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

A few days ago, a new article went up in Psychology Today written by Michael J. Formica.  The title of the article was “Separation, Divorce and Parental Alienation Syndrome.”   Several of us had made comments on the article, and they were being deleted within a few minutes.  Many of us commented on how so-called “parental alienation syndrome” and “parental alienation” had been debunked by the American Judge’s Association, the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, the National District Attorney’s Association, the American Medical Association, and the American Psychological Association, mainly because it’s use as a legal tactic for abusers to get custody of children from loving, protective parents.  Submit, delete, submit, delete, submit, delete.  For hours.  After a few of us noted that we would complain to Psychology Today, Mr. Formica finally started to leave the comments and answered.

Screen shot of comment on November 23rd

Even though, as he states above, the article was about “parental alienation” and not “parental alienation syndrome,” he left comments up that gleefully announced that “PAS WILL be in the DSM-V.”  (And how about that title….”Separation, Divorce and Parental Alienation Syndrome.”)  That news is probably somewhat of a surprise to the American Psychological Association, which says this about PAS:

Statement on Parental Alienation Syndrome

The American Psychological Association has no official position on “parental alienation syndrome.” This concept has been used in contested child custody cases and has become the subject of significant debate. While it may be that in some divorces, children become estranged from their non-custodial parent for a variety of reasons, there is no evidence within the psychological literature of a diagnosable parental alienation syndrome.

http://www.apa.org/releases/passyndrome.html

After a few more comments, he asked if he should have used the word “splitting” instead of “alienation” given the charged meaning associated with the concept, and I answered him on this.  Within a few minutes, the article’s title was changed to “Separation, Divorce and Splitting.”  It didn’t last more than a couple hours before the whole page was taken down by Psychology Today.

Before it went down, Mr. Formica acknowledged that he had not fully been aware of all the ramifications of use of this “syndrome.”    Once he was challenged to acknowledge points about the so-called syndrome, he was responsible enough about it to change the title and acknowledge not fully examining the subject.  I only hope more people become educated about how “parental alienation” and “parental alienation syndrome” are used to destroy children by helping abusers get custody by claiming this in court.  Thankfully, someone did the right thing and it disappeared…

As I exhaled and smiled when Donny Osmond and his partner Kym were declared the winners of the Dancing With The Stars competition on ABC last night, I really didn’t get downright emotional until I saw what Donny did next. He went to the audience and grabbed his wife Debbie and carried her out to the dance floor to join them. Their children followed shortly after. I have always been smitten with Donny since we were young, but this just showed me what truly great guys are like.

Kym Johnson and Donny Osmond

Congrats Donny…you are one classy guy!

I don’t know what to even say to this one….from The Huffington Post:

‘Hit The Bitch’ Anti-Violence PSA Stirs Controversy

The intentions behind it may have been noble, but a Danish public service announcement about violence against women called “Hit The Bitch” has people asking just what those behind it were thinking.

Made by a Danish advocacy group as a web campaign (www.hitthebitch.dk), the site allows you to use your computer’s mouse to move a gigantic hand so that it repeatedly strikes a female model in the face. The site then rates each hit on a scale beginning at “100% pussy” and ending at “100% gangsta.” As you hit the woman her face begins to show bruises, and once enough blows are struck and the user reaches “100% gangsta,” the woman falls down and the phrase “100% IDIOT!” appears on the screen. It then shows her sobbing and grabbing her neck in agony on the floor. The spot’s message about violence is then presented in Danish while mournful music plays in the background.

The response from the handful of sites that have written about the PSA has been one of discomfort. The PSA “takes things to a a disturbing level,” writes Nick McMaster at Newser. Meanwhile, Tana Ganeva of Alternet has accused the PSA of having gone “very, very wrong”:

Seriously though, this seems like the end result of some people sitting around a table trying to figure out how to make domestic violence edgy and attention-grabbing. Are we really so inured to the standard imagery of wide-eyed kids cowering in the background, or the bruised faces of women?

Ganeva isn’t totally dismissive of the PSA, however, and concludes her article by suggesting that since domestic violence is rarely discussed in the mainstream media, the makers of the spot may be on to something in their approach: “even though it’s pretty fucking tone deaf and horrifying, are they on the right track by trying to be aggressively controversial?”

The confusion that the PSA causes for the user — is this raising awareness to the severity of the problem, or is it unintentionally trivializing the issue — was captured by Tim Nudd at Adweek: “Perhaps you’re supposed to feel guilty, like a real-life abuser might, for continuing to hit the woman just to see what happens next? Who knows. Maybe something’s getting lost in translation from the Danish,” Nudd writes.

Perhaps the best way to decide is to visit the site and experience it for yourself, should you feel it’s not too unpleasant to do so.

And please let us know how you feel about the PSA.

“… he could not go into detail about why Morris was given custody.”

Are these law enforcement folks really that clueless?  The American Psychological Association’s own study showed abusive dads were twice as likely to seek sole custody than average dad, and 70% of the time they got it.  Can’t find the mother?  She’s probably homeless, like other mothers in this situation.

Germantown….hmmmmmm, seems there are other people there who have gotten children away from mothers also.

May dear little Isaiah Snipes rest in peace.

Dad accused of beating his son had just gotten custody in fall

Germantown police still unable to locate child’s mother

• By Lela Garlington
• Posted November 19, 2009 at midnight

A Germantown father who is accused of beating his 16-month-old son to death was just awarded custody of the child this fall.

Curtis Lee Morris Jr., 27, remains in jail on $300,000 bond. He is charged with second-degree murder in the death of Isaiah Snipes.

The baby died Saturday afternoon. Morris called 911 and reported the child was not breathing inside his two-bedroom condo at Fountain Square Condominiums.

An autopsy showed that the toddler had sustained “violent blunt-force trauma” to the abdomen, which caused massive internal injuries.

Barry Mitchell of Shelby County Juvenile Court said Morris gained custody of the child in September from the baby’s mother, Erica B. Snipes, also 27, of Memphis. Police have not been able to locate the mother.

Mitchell said he could not go into detail about why Morris was given custody.

Germantown police Dep. Chief Rodney Bright said Wednesday that Isaiah’s 3-year-old sister, Tierney, was inside the apartment when the baby was killed. Bright is uncertain if Tierney’s last name is Snipes or Morris.

“We left her in the custody of the grandparents on Saturday night,” he said. The paternal grandparents live in Germantown. In addition, police called the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services.

Regarding the toddler’s mother, Bright said, “We’ve been trying to reach her. She’s been out of pocket for some period of time.”

Except for the 3-year-old girl, Bright said, “It doesn’t appear that anyone else was there.”

When asked if police would try to interview her, he added, “It’s possible but we would defer to some specialist.”

He confirmed that police were called to Morris’ condo for another incident June 22, but he wouldn’t say if anyone was arrested. A dispatcher’s log said a 27-year-old female called and reported “assault, cut to hand.”

And a 911 dispatch call from the residence on July 3, 2008, said a 26-year-old female called and was having labor pains.

Court records show that the mother was found guilty of domestic assault in 2004. She served seven days in jail.  (She was probably trying to protect herself….studies show females are more likely to be arrested even if they were trying to defend themselves).

Audubon Park Place Apartments also filed a civil lawsuit against her in 2008 in which a lien was placed against her.

Except for minor traffic offenses, the father has no local criminal record. If Morris is found guilty, he faces 15 to 60 years in jail and would not be eligible for parole. He will appear in court Dec. 9 for arraignment.

— Lela Garlington: 529-2349

From Randi James:

If You Want Protection from Domestic Violence in Brevard County Florida, Seek Elsewhere

Dad arrested after standoff in Palm Bay

BY J.D. GALLOP • FLORIDA TODAY • November 17, 2009

A 39-year-old man is in custody this morning after police said he held his estranged wife and children hostage in their Palm Bay home overnight.

The unidentified man surrendered to Palm Bay SWAT team members at about 6 a.m. and was taken to the Palm Bay Community Hospital after appearing under the influence of an unknown substance, said Yvonne Martinez, spokeswoman for the Palm Bay Police Department.

The woman and the children, a 14-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl, managed to escape the home during the overnight hours, police said.

The standoff began just after 11:30 p.m. Monday after the man stormed his estranged wife’s home in the 1200 block of Heitzman Street and held her briefly at gunpoint, officials said.

“We got a 9-1-1 call from the woman’s boyfriend said that she was being held against her will and that there were two children inside the home,” Martinez said.

“Apparently the husband didn’t know that his wife had a boyfriend. He just learned she had a boyfriend.”

The woman ran out of the home after Palm Bay police arrived before midnight. A short time later, SWAT members, along with a hostage negotiator, arrived on the residential street and made contact with the man through a cell phone and text messaging. The neighborhood was not evacuated.

About 4 a.m., the woman’s children ran out of the front door. Inside the home, the husband reportedly had fallen asleep after bouts of nausea, officials said. The husband eventually surrendered to officers about 6 a.m. The man was placed in an ambulance with a police officer and taken to the hospital.

Police also say that the man had been arrested on domestic charges involving his wife before but that the case was not prosecuted.

An investigation is ongoing and charges are pending, police said.

Contact Gallop at 409-1422 or jdgallop@floridatoday.com
_____

Okay, so the wife is “estranged” meaning they are not acting as “real” husband and wife but they still have the legal title. So, I suppose it is okay for the wife to have a boyfriend, but only if the husband approves.

The 39 year old man is under the influence of an “unknown” substance. Could it be his substance of choice?

Previously, the man has a been arrested on domestic charges against this same woman. That’s as far as it got though, since he wasn’t prosecuted.

What “other crimes”?

Civil Complaint Information

Civil Complaint Information

So what investigation is “ongoing,” and what charges are “pending,” again?

Let’s run by the history, once more:

Case Outcome Civil Complaint Information

###

Case Outcome 05-2009-CF-043253- AXXX-XX – STATE VS LYNCH CHRISTOPHER A

Prosecutor Charge Information

Court/Final Charge Information

### Name Search

I’d like to give a shot out to (poor choice of words, sorry) the following judges in the Brevard County court system:

T. MITCHELL BARLOW

and

JOHN D. MOXLEY, JR.

And who is the man who is creating the multidisciplinary team to figure out why Florida’s domestic violence homicide has doubled?

It isn’t brain surgery. Just ask the victims, before they are dead.

Remember Yolanda Garvin-Williams?

It is not just working moms that are losing custody of children, but all types of moms. Even stay-at-home moms. There is a bias against mothers in courts all across the country. When a father seeks sole custody, they actually get it 70% of the time (this has been shown in studies). Often, abusive dads seek sole custody twice as much as regular dads, as reported by the American Psychological Association. In the case where a dad is an abuser, it is horrifying for a child to be placed with that abuser, even more horrifying for a mother knowing her children are with an abuser and having to pay him child support on top of it. Often these children are drugged to be able to cope with continued abuse or rape, and the courts don’t care. I see dads even trying to take custody of children before they are born. Women really need to think before having children, and probably should seek having children by using a sperm bank. If they ever end up in court in a custody case, they will not prevail, and will typically be financially punished by the father of the child as well.

It has been a bad day, and I have not seen my children in about nine months, the father using them as tools of abuse.  Not all fathers are bad fathers, and there are some good guys.  I am sick of being attacked for being a man-hater…I am not.  And yes, I know, guys are screwed in court too.  Horribly.  Mothers are getting it worse though.  As it gets colder and I face another homeless winter, as I know other mothers are in the same situation, I get sick of seeing all the bias held against mothers and the higher standard we are held to, and how fathers get government help from the HHS grants to the father’ rights groups, help that mothers don’t get.  But the worst of all is what the children must go through.  I know this all too well also.

My abusive father got custody of my siblings and I from our stay-at-home mom, and when he got tired of taking care of us six months later, we ended up in foster homes and group homes all split apart to keep us from our mother. It happens a lot now.

From NPR:

Working Mothers Sometimes Frowned Upon In Custody Battles

November 17, 2009

Working Mother magazine reports 2.2 million mothers in the U.S. do not have primary custody of their children. And the magazine reports that, over the past decade, the number of fathers awarded custody of their children has doubled. But some wonder whether the statistics suggest that women who work as breadwinners for their families are now being punished for it. Working Mother Editor-in-Chief Suzanne Riss is joined by regular parenting contributor and author Leslie Morgan Steiner and Shauntese Curry Trye, a Baltimore-based family attorney.

MICHEL MARTIN, host:

I’m Michel Martin, and you’re listening to TELL ME MORE from NPR News. Tomorrow, R&B musician Mayer Hawthorne is with us to share some songs from his new soul album. Today, he tells us what’s playing in his ear.

But first, they say it takes a village to raise a child, but maybe you just need a few moms in your corner. We visit with a diverse group of parents each week for their common sense and savvy parenting advice.

Today, we want to talk about what may be a surprising new twist in the ongoing national conversation about gender roles. Working Mother magazine reports that some 2.2 million mothers in the U.S. do not have primary custody of their children. The magazine says that over the past decade, the number of fathers awarded custody of their children has doubled, and when fathers do seek sole custody in a contested case, fathers prevail at least half of the time.

Now, the magazine says this is in part because many men have stepped up their commitment to care-giving, and they don’t want to hand off that role if the marriage goes sour. But the magazine also asks: Is this in part because the courts are looking askance at the other side of the coin, that women who are working hard to be breadwinners are being punished for it.

We wanted to know more about this, so we called Working Mother editor-in-Chief Suzanne Riss. We also called Leslie Morgan Steiner. She’s a regular contributor to our parenting conversations and the editor of “Mommy Wars.” That’s a book of essays about the tensions between stay-at-home mothers and those who are in the workforce. Sometimes those intentions are internal, as the book makes clear. Also with us is family attorney Shauntese Curry Trye. Welcome to you all. Thank you for joining us.

Ms.�SUZANNE RISS (Editor-in-Chief, Working Mother): Thank you.

Ms. LESLIE MORGAN STEINER (Author): Thanks, Michel.

Ms.�SHAUNTESE CURRY TRYE (Attorney): Thank you.

MARTIN: Suzanne, if you’d start by I wanted to ask: How did you get on to this story? What made you want to dig into this question?

Ms.�RISS: Well, we’d been hearing anecdotally from our readers, from working moms, that they were involved in custody cases and finding very surprising results. Our readers were telling us that they presumed that, of course, as the mommy, they wouldn’t have any trouble fighting for their kids in court, especially since they were in many cases the breadwinner, they were devoted moms. Then they were arriving in court and finding that a lot of the things that they thought were advantages, were being seen as disadvantages and in fact evidence that they were neglecting their kids.

So we wanted to look into this and see if it was really a bigger trend. And in fact, we found that it was.

MARTIN: But how do you know that I mean, I think the article is very fair. For those who want to read it, we’ll have a link on our Web site. But how do you know that the issue is not that the men were equally effective caregivers, but rather that the moms were being punished for stepping up in the breadwinner role? What makes you say that?

Ms.�RISS: Well, I think what’s interesting is that there are more dads that are now seeking custody of their kids. That’s a big change. Thirty years ago, 40 years ago, we didn’t see as many hands-on, stay-at-home dads. So that’s a brand new trend. And at the same time, we’re seeing more and more moms who are out of the house for longer hours. And if they are the primary breadwinner – and increasingly, working moms are, since more dads have been impacted by layoffs in the recession than moms – we’re facing very new circumstances: more dads who are hands-on, more moms who are out of the home for longer hours. And the impact on the kids is being viewed by the courts in a different way, we believe.

MARTIN: And Shauntese, talk more about that, if you would. The magazine points out that this notion, a presumption that mothers are the more-suitable parent for children under seven was abolished in most states in the 1990s. Do you think it’s true that women who work long hours are being punished for it in custody cases?

Ms.�TRYE: I’d have to say yes. We’ve abolished the Tender Years Doctrine, which basically says that there is a motherly preference in the courts. In practice, you know, I dont see this as being 100 percent true in that when a mother decides to step outside her box – which is the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids – and actually decide to do something outside of the home, she is held to a higher standard of scrutiny when it comes to custody cases.

MARTIN: And how do you see this? And, I presume, you have both male and female clients, correct?

Ms. TRYE: Yes.

MARTIN: You represent both men and women.

Ms. TRYE: And girls and boys(ph).

MARTIN: And so when you see this in court, that you say, on the whole, theres sort of a cultural bias. The mom is generally perceived to be the preferred sort of parent. But when a mom is working long hours, you say shes held to a higher standard. How does this play out?

Ms. TRYE: Well, and I have seen it with judges and in custody cases. I think there is an inquiry thats done by a judge. And Im not saying that its fair. But theres an inquiry on what motivates the mother when she decides to step outside of her traditional motherly role. And then were getting into scrutinizing, you know, whether its – she loves to work and wants to be in this job or does she want to be a mother to her children. And these things are constantly coming up in the custody cases that Ive done.

MARTIN: And what about the motivation of the father for not pursuing more vigorous employment in the cases that Working Mother magazine reported on? In some of these cases – it surely cannot be all – but in some of these cases, the women report that the husbands didnt want to work. Or that they said, look, I had to work, because he was underemployed. So does that – do you find judges asking the men why they are lightly employed?

Ms. TRYE: Not as much.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. TRYE: Ive seen it where that circumstance has actually worked to the favor of dads, when they are taking on something that traditionally theyre not doing, when they are working in the homes and theyre being Mr. Moms. And I think a lot of judges look at that as saying, you know, theres really got to be a sincerity on the part of the dad to even do that. Because why would he want to do that? Why would he want to be a Mr. Mom? And hes given much deference in the courts because of that.

MARTIN: Leslie, what do you have to say about this? As a person whos reported very deeply on issues of the choices that women make around work and why theyre working and how they work that out with their parenting responsibilities, what do you think about that? In the course of your reporting, have you heard this, as well?

Ms. STEINER: Well, Im overjoyed that men are much more involved in their kids lives. And I think its really important for the men and kids and moms. I found this article to be so disturbing on an emotional and visceral level because I think its every moms – one of her worst nightmares is losing custody of her kids. And I think that women who are the primary breadwinners or, you know, single moms are unsung heroes in our country.

And the idea that you can’t be a good mom and work full time, its just – its pretty horrifying to me. And, you know, I hear a lot of people say, well, you know, shes not a full-time mom if shes working outside the home. And thats not true. Even somebody who is working 10 or 12 hours a day is still a full-time mom. And I think that – I think this is a really disturbing trend.

MARTIN: Suzanne, I wanted to ask you, though, what Shauntese is saying is interesting to me. Shes saying that women who work outside the home, their motives for working are questioned in a way that a mans are not. But one of the things I was curious about is in your reporting, part of it is if a woman said I want to limit my work hours so that I can be more available to my children, we would not call her a deadbeat.

So I wanted to ask – I wouldnt. I dont think anybody in this conversation would. So in your reporting, when some of these women who were obviously very traumatized by losing custody because they felt that they were doing the right thing by their families by working as hard as they were and did not expect it to be held against them, did you get to ask them the question, is, well, what about – was it that your husband refused to work, or that he really felt that it was important for one parent to be more flexible, available and to work fewer hours?

Ms. RISS: I think that there are a lot of answers to that question. What we were learning is that for both parents, for both the men and the women, a divorce and a custody case, a custody battle, can be a chance to really reexamine priorities and rethink how theyre doing things. So, you know, for a lot of dads, maybe they were forced into the role because they were laid off. And in some cases, they would like to go back to work and still be very hands on but have more of a balance.

And for a lot of working moms, they in some cases got swept up by the pressures of being the sole breadwinner and werent spending the amount of time that they wanted with their kids. So in a lot of cases, both parents were looking for more balance as a result of the custody case. But I think what is the case for a lot of women is even though theyre working, they still are very involved with their kids.

So there are very few working moms out there who are putting in their, you know, 12-hour day and then not also making time to make her kids dinner and give them a bath and do all the things, because being a mom is really their first priority. So I think what is so disturbing for a lot of working moms, even if they feel like theyre working too hard, is that they never gave up their mommy role. And the courts, in some cases, are asking or questioning whether they, in fact, have. And they feel that they have not.

MARTIN: If youre just joining us, this is TELL ME MORE from NPR News. Im Michel Martin, and were having our weekly parenting conversation. Were talking about an article in Working Mother magazine that examines whether working mothers are held to a higher standard in contested-custody cases.

So, Shauntese, what is your sense of what is to be done here? I mean, if youre in a situation where youre working because you feel that this is what your family needs you to do and then the marriage becomes, you know, vulnerable, what can you do? I mean, that seems to me a situation where you feel even more pressure to shore up your, you know, your financial well being. Do you have any sort of advice for people who are in this sort of tricky territory?

Ms. TRYE: Well, I think the first piece of advice which I give all of my clients is to really think about your priorities. And sometimes it means rethinking your priorities in a matter and understanding that in courts, when it comes to children, the best interests of the child is the prevailing standard. So it really doesnt matter, you know, what you want and your priorities as a mom and what dad wants and his priorities. It matters what the court sees and understands is the childrens best interests.

So if youre going to have a case where the two of you cannot get along and youre going to go in front of a judge, you have to remember, you know, what are your priorities? Its protecting your children. And that should really put in mind for a lot of people what their priorities are. Does it mean, you know, doing the overtime or working late evenings? Or does it mean getting off early and planning activities for your children, making sure that the homework is done, that youre there to do it, because in a custody case, these are the types of things that the judge is going to be looking at.

How visible are you? How involved are you? Do you know the names of the pediatricians? Did you take them to the doctors appointments? Or are these things that are handed off to the other parent?

MARTIN: Leslie, you had a thought.

Ms. STEINER: Yeah, this is Leslie. In working on Mommy Wars, what I saw is absolutely that theres a – we live in a cultural – with a cultural bias that stay-at-home moms are somehow better for kids. I hear women and men say that all the time, that women who are willing to sacrifice themselves and their careers and their work for children are somehow more loving. And I think that its something that we need to get past as a society, that there are many, many ways to be a good mom.

And lots of moms need to work to provide for their kids and to provide for themselves. And I think one of the most important things that I learned from this article is just the concept that divorce has never been fair. Its not fair to men or women or children, especially. And weve got to get out of our minds that a family court or a divorce judge can somehow make it right for you. And I havent been through a divorce with children, but I did get divorced from the man who was physically abusing me. And it was a pretty terrifying process, because even in a case as severely as where, you know, a man had held a gun to my head, the judge didnt have time to hear it.

And, you hear a lot about, even domestic violence cases, where the men are awarded custody even when it has been proven that they have been physically abusing their wives. And we just can’t expect courts – courts that are set up to divide property – to understand whats best for kids. And the article pretty strongly says the best advice is to stay out of court if you at all can.

MARTIN: Suzanne, do you have any sort of words of wisdom as a result of the reporting that the magazine did in this case?

Ms. RISS: I think one of the things that we learned that was most shocking to us was how little time the courts have to hear these cases. A lot of women called us because they felt that they had, you know, reams and reams of paper work and it was very involved and very heated arguments and evidence and emails and all of this material, and then the judge would have three minutes to hear the summary from each side.

So what we heard from a lot of families who have gone through this – both men and women – is if there is any way that you can resolve this outside of the courts, thats what you want to do. Judges and lawyers were the first ones to tell us that they think the families are best served by using mediation or finding a way to resolve this outside the courts.

MARTIN: Even lawyers feel that way.

Ms. RISS: Lawyers and judges told us that.

MARTIN: Suzanne Riss is the editor-in-chief of Working Mother magazine. If you want to read the piece that weve been talking about, well have a link on our Web site. Just go to npr.org. Go to Programs and click on TELL ME MORE. Suzanne Riss joined at our New York bureau. We were also pleased to be joined by our regular parenting contributor, Leslie Morgan Steiner. Shes the editor of Mommy Wars. Her latest book is Crazy Love. She was here with us from our studios in Washington. And Shauntese Curry Trye is a family law attorney. Her practice is based in Baltimore. She joined us from that office. Ladies, I want to thank you all so much for speaking with us.

Ms. RISS: Thank so much.

Ms. TRYE: Thank you.

Ms. STEINER: Thanks, Michel.

Copyright ©2009 National Public Radio®. All rights reserved. No quotes from the materials contained herein may be used in any media without attribution to National Public Radio. This transcript is provided for personal, noncommercial use only, pursuant to our Terms of Use. Any other use requires NPR’s prior permission. Visit our permissions page for further information.

May little Tommy Wolf rest in peace and that his mother, Mary, may eventually heal from this horrific act.  From CNN:

Oklahoma doctor held in death of son, 9

Police say officers disarmed Dr. Stephen Wolf, 51, when they arrived at his home in Nichols Hill, Oklahoma.

(CNN) — A doctor in suburban Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, was arrested Monday and accused in the early morning death of his 9-year-old son, police said.

Dr. Stephen Wolf, 51, faces first-degree murder charges, said Nichols Hills, Oklahoma, Police Chief Richard Mask.

Third-grader Tommy Wolf was dead when authorities arrived at the family’s home about 4 a.m. CT in response to several 911 calls, Mask said.

“It was obvious there had been some type of altercation” when police arrived, Mask said. Arriving officers disarmed Wolf, he said, but did not elaborate except to say a knife was found at the home.

Although the investigation is still under way, authorities believe the altercation may have begun in the boy’s room “and proceeded from there” to other rooms, Mask said.

Mary Wolf, Stephen Wolf’s wife and the boy’s mother, suffered defensive puncture wounds to her hands and a wound to her mouth, and was being treated at a hospital, Mask said. Authorities believe she attempted to “intercede and protect her child,” he said. Her wounds were not considered life-threatening.

The first 911 call came in at 3:53 a.m., from the Wolf family’s next-door neighbor. Mary Wolf had run to the house for help, and the resident reported someone was knocking on the door, Mask said.

Mary Wolf made the second call, but hung up, possibly because she was defending herself, he said. She also made the third call, after police had arrived. Mask said tapes of the 911 calls would be released later.

“We are trying to put all the facts together,” Mask said. The boy’s death, he said, has had a “devastating” effect on Nichols Hills, a city of about 4,000 people in Oklahoma County in the central part of the state. “It’s had a huge impact,” he said.

Officials at the boy’s school, Christ the King Catholic School, said teachers and students had been made aware of his death, CNN affiliate KOCO reported.

Stephen Wolf is listed as an internist in Oklahoma City. In his booking photo, on the Oklahoma County sheriff’s Web site, a wound can be seen on his head.

More details:

New Details in Nichols Hills Murder

KSBI News

Story Created: Nov 17, 2009 at 5:22 PM CST

Story Updated: Nov 17, 2009 at 5:46 PM CST

At Saint Anthony’s North where Dr. Stephen Wolf practiced internal medicine, it is business as usual. But while he sits behind bars for murder, many wonder if there were missed warning signs.

“He’s got the devil in him and you know it,” yells Dr. Wolfe during the 911 call released yesterday.

During that call, officers walked in and found Stephen Wolf standing over 9-year-old Tommy Wolf who was stabbed to death.

That officer says he then disarmed Wolf, who was still reaching for another knife.

He says Tommy had a knife in his head and one in his chest.

KSBI-Thunder TV obtained documents that show Stephen Wolf was hospitalized from what he descibes as major depression in 1984 and 1996.

In Wolf’s arrest warrant a neighbor tells police that wolf was under review by the hospital for his anger issues and that he was supposed to go to a rehab facility for drug and alcohol abuse.

In the meantime, Wolf is being held without bail. He has hired attorney Mack Martin to represent him

Dr. Vaknin is spot on with this…some women will buy into the “parental alienation syndrome” scam, not realizing that it is just abuse being continued by the other spouse…using the children as a weapon to continue the abuse.  Domestic violence by proxy.

Abusers and Leveraging the Children

Written by Dr. Sam Vaknin
October 1, 2009

Abusers use everyone and everything around them in a manipulative way, including using their children as tools of abuse.

The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children’s other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents) . He controls his – often gullible and unsuspecting – offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done – which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt.

Co-opting

Some offenders – mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies – co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. The couple’s children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim, criticize and disagree with her, withhold their love or affection, and inflict on her various forms of ambient abuse.

As I wrote in Abuse by Proxy:

“Even the victim’s (children) are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey’s acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.”

This is especially true with young – and, therefore vulnerable – offspring, particularly if they live with the abuser. They are frequently emotionally blackmailed by him (“If you want daddy to love you, do this or refrain from doing that”). They lack life experience and adult defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the abuser economically and they always resent the abused for breaking up the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs (she has to work for a living), and for “cheating” on her ex with a new boyfriend or husband.

Co-opting The System

The abuser perverts the system – therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance – notably, from her children. The abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her.

Threatening

Abusers are insatiable and vindictive. They always feel deprived and unfairly treated. Some of them are paranoid and sadistic. If they fail to manipulate their common children into abandoning the other parent, they begin treat the kids as enemies. They are not above threatening the children, abducting them, abusing them (sexually, physically, or psychologically) , or even outright harming them – in order to get back at the erstwhile partner or in order to make her do something.

Most victims attempt to present to their children a “balanced” picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary, encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison. This is the wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive – it sometimes proves outright dangerous.

On many father’s rights message boards, the word was put out to comment on a recent article in U.S. News & World Report, some of these messages coming from Amy Baker, who writes and sells books on the so-called “parental alienation syndrome.” The article was very slanted towards those who have books and services to sell to the courts and are anxious to get PAS recognized….even though many of the professional bodies and top psychologists have debunked it. I received this casual observation on the continued call to push this well known legal tactic into some kind of “syndrome” by father’s rights advocates (FRAs) (and this WAS sent to father’s groups):

If they believe that PAS is a legitimate syndrome, why do they require the sheer number of letters from unqualified sources (FRA’s) in order to get PAS included in the DSM? AS far as I am concerned, this type of action only dilutes any credibility they might have had in the first place.

—– Forwarded Message —-
From: XXXXXXX

To: XXXXXXX list; XXXXXX list

Sent: Mon, 16 November, 2009 XX:XX:XX XX
Subject: Parental Alienation in the DSM

—– Forwarded Message —-
From: Michael Jeffries <XXXXX@XXXXX>
Sent: Sat, November 14, 2009 4:59:55 AM
Subject: Parental Alienation in the DSM

Hello everyone:

As many of you know, a large number of authors recently submitted a proposal to have parental alienation included in the DSM. The authors of the proposal are asking us to write letters to select members of the review committee in support of the proposal.

We recently posted their names and addresses on our A Family’s Heartbreak blog. We also posted the names of all the contributing authors in case any of you would like to reach out to them and thank them for their work.

Here is a link to the information: http://xxx.xxxxxx.xxxxxx.com/blog/.

Please keep your letters short, concise and professional.

Thanks,
–
mike jeffries
Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

See also: Family Court Judge’s Association Warns Claims of “Parental Alienation Syndrome” and “Parental Alienation” Are Often Used By Abusers and Have No Grounding in Reality and Parental Alienation Syndrome Debunked by the National District Attorney’s Association – Part One

This is from our friend Connie.  I’ve been told you don’t have to be from California to include your comments, so please do!

Of course, you have to worry whether the corrupt judges will actually listen to victims in fear of their lives…from the Louisville Courier-Journal:

12 states use GPS monitoring

By Andrew Wolfson • awolfson@courier-journal.com • November 15, 2009

Jeanne Gold calls GPS monitoring “murder prevention.”

A dozen states allow GPS technology to be used to try keep people accused of domestic violence away from their partners and former mates, according to the federal Electronic Monitoring Resource Center in Denver.

Those states allow judges to order people to wear GPS monitors that send a warning to police and the victim when the perpetrator enters an “intrusion zone” — a circle drawn around the victim’s home or workplace or her child’s school or daycare center.

The alarm is meant to allow time for police to try to head off the perpetrator and for the victim to flee.

Nationally, about 60,000 people accused of domestic violence are being monitored by GPS, according to George Drake, who runs the electronic-monitoring center at Denver University.

In most jurisdictions, electronic monitoring can be ordered only as a condition of bail, for defendants already charged with domestic-violence offenses.

But under a bill filed this year by Kentucky House Speaker Greg Stumbo, judges in the state could require it for subjects of domestic-violence orders if the court determines it would likely deter them from “seeking to kill, injure stalk or otherwise threaten” the person requesting the order.

The accused abusers would be required to pay the daily costs of the equipment, and if they were indigent, the vendor hired to run the program would be required to accept whatever they could pay.

The ankle cuff and transmitter cost about $5 to $10 a day to lease, but the full cost, including monitoring, is between $15 and $25 a day, Drake says.

Harvard Law School lecturer Diane Rosenfeld, who has advocated for electronic monitoring in Massachusetts and helped draft the Kentucky legislation, said it is important to limit it to high-risk cases, including those in which there is evidence of a previous violation.

She said Amanda Ross, the Lexington state worker who was allegedly killed by her former fiancé, one-time gubernatorial candidate Steve Nunn, may have qualified for that protection, and it may have saved her life. Ross’ family declined to comment for this story.

In the panhandle county of Santa Rosa, Roy Albert Thompson Sr., was able to kill his estranged wife, Pamela, in November 2005 by removing his transmitter and ankle cuff, according to the county sheriff’s office. No alarm was dispatched to the vendor monitoring the equipment, nor passed on to law enforcement. Thompson also killed himself.

In Macclenny, Fla., about 30 miles west of Jacksonville, the battery pack on Bobbie Jean Dressel’s unit was destroyed or lost power, allowing him to murder his ex-girlfriend, Cynthia Below, in October 2006. Dressel is serving a life sentence.

Newer, more tamper-resistant equipment has proved more successful, according to advocates and law enforcement officials that have used it.

In Greater Newburyport, Mass., north of Boston, a team of court officials and advocates identified 55 men who had violated protective orders and were likely to reoffend.

None of the nine who were electronically monitored committed additional offenses from 2005 through 2008, while 17 who weren’t subject to monitoring were charged with assault in the first year, plus another six in the second year, according to the Jeanne Geiger Crisis Center.

In Seminole County, where about 180 people have been monitored since last year, no one under electronic protection has been killed or assaulted, Chief Probation Officer Derek Gallagher said.

The sheriff’s office says that in the four months ending in September, nine people entered safety zones drawn around victims, and six were arrested.

“I can say that it has prevented additional acts of violence,” said sheriff’s Capt. Stephanie Ryan.

Gold, executive director of Seminole County’s Safe House, acknowledged that GPS doesn’t provide “absolutely protection,” but is far better than “just hoping he will stay away.”

Peter Ibarra, a professor of justice studies at University of Illinois-Chicago, who has studied electronic monitoring in two Midwestern counties, said that while it doesn’t provide “foolproof protection against harm,” victims reported that men who had previously ignored protective orders were now obeying them.

One of the defendants, Samuel Bedford Tatum III, of Paris, who has pleaded not guilty to charges of assault, stalking and violating a protective order, is barred from going anywhere in Fayette County, where the prosecuting witness lives.

Although electronic monitoring has been opposed elsewhere on constitutional grounds, David Friedman, the American Civil Liberties Union of Kentucky, declined to address Stumbo’s bill.

If it passes, it is sure to be attacked by defense lawyers like Patrick Renn, who says it is unfair to make people wear and pay for monitoring equipment before they are even charged with a crime.

Other defense attorneys, including Kent Wicker and Thomas Clay, say that the proposal makes sense and seems to have adequate checks and balances.

Rosenfeld said GPS monitoring provides “real time” warnings to victims and notice to police.

“It absolutely provides real protection,” she said.

Reporter Andrew Wolfson can be reached at (502) 582-7189.

See how GPS works here.

The last sentence says he loved his wife and kids.
Killing someone is not love.

She had filed for joint custody, so the Father’s Rights claim that shared parenting ends domestic violence doesn’t hold up.

Oregon woman killed by husband filed for divorce

By WILLIAM McCALL (AP) – 11 hours ago

PORTLAND, Ore. — An Oregon woman had filed for divorce just a week before her estranged husband opened fire at the suburban Portland office park where she worked, fatally shooting her and injuring two of her co-workers before killing himself.

Teresa Beiser, 36, was asking for joint custody of her two children with Robert Beiser, 39, in what appeared from court documents to be an amicable dissolution of their marriage.

But a martial arts instructor who knew the Gladstone couple well said Robert Beiser bought firearms recently and wanted to go to a shooting range to practice.

“He never had guns, and all of he sudden he buys guns,” said Al Dorsey, who has taught the couple’s 14-year-old daughter tae kwan do for several years.

Dorsey said many parents and students at the TaeKwanDo 2 martial arts training hall, based in suburban Milwaukie, Ore., are considered friends. He knew the Beisers well and watched the childhood sweethearts struggle with their marriage before their divorce petition was filed last week in Clackamas County Circuit Court.

“Rob came in all the time and talked to me, and Teresa would talk to me or my wife,” Dorsey said.

But when Robert Beiser recently showed an interest in guns and wanted to go to a shooting range, Dorsey — an Army veteran — was wary.

“I told my wife, ‘I don’t feel comfortable going shooting with anybody that’s going through a divorce,’” he said.

Wednesday evening, the Tualatin Police Department released more details about the shooting at the medical lab where Teresa Beiser worked. Police said Robert Beiser got out of his vehicle shortly before noon Tuesday and began firing into the front windows of the Legacy MetroLab. He was armed with a rifle, a shotgun and a handgun.

He fired at least three rounds into the building from the parking lot. One of those rounds struck Teresa Beiser as she was standing near the front lobby.

Robert Beiser yelled at a man in the lobby to get out of the building as he continued to fire multiple shots, police said.

One of Teresa Beiser’s co-workers — 20-year-old Brittney Nichole Lore of Vancouver, Wash. — was near the front doors and was injured by flying glass and bullet fragments. She ran out of the building and flagged down help at a nearby Subway sandwich shop, police said.

Lore was treated at a Portland hospital and released.

Another Legacy employee, 63-year-old Tony Ochoa of Tigard, was sitting at his desk when he was struck in the hand and chest with one of the first rounds fired into the building, police said.

He started running out of the building but was confronted by Robert Beiser and shot in the leg. He then crawled to a neighboring business, where an employee administered first aid until officers arrived.

Police said Ochoa was recovering at a Portland hospital; an update on his condition was not available Wednesday evening.

Investigators found Teresa Beiser’s body near the lobby. She had been shot multiple with an assault rifle and shotgun.

Robert Beiser’s body was found in a bathroom at the back of the lab. He died from a self-inflicted shotgun wound, police said.

Other than some moodiness and appearing distracted, Robert Beiser showed no signs that he was capable of such violence, Dorsey said.

Dorsey said he and Robert Beiser had discussed some recent shootings in the news, sharing their concerns. “He even said, ‘There’s nothing that bad that would make you want you to do something like that,’” Dorsey said.

Beiser and his wife were both working two jobs, and were devoted to their daughter and 11-year-old son, said Dorsey and other family friends.

A neighbor on a side street said she and her husband frequently walked past the couple’s house and noticed how neat and tidy it was.

“The house was always well-kept, and they always decorated at Christmas,” said Vicki Obrist, who added that she and her husband never got to know the family.

Dorsey said Teresa Beiser was working to become a competitive body builder, and she pushed her daughter to be competitive in tae kwan do.

He said Robert Beiser had worked on fundraisers for trips to tae kwan do tournaments and had accompanied his daughter. The couple appeared to be friendly when they attended tae kwan do practice sessions.

“He really loved his kids, and he really loved her too,” Dorsey said. “This man worked hard, and I think his world just started crumbling.”

Copyright © 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

UPDATE (11/17/09):  Lorraine was freed yesterday after daughter agreed to go to abusers…she couldn’t take having her mother in jail anymore.

….and the daughter runs away from him at the schoolhouse door.  He tries to shove court orders at her.  So he approaches her mother, Lorraine  Tipton.  Seeing he abused Lorraine before, she didn’t want to stick around to possibly get beaten or shot, like what is happening to many mothers these days.   The daughter does not want to go to Grandma’s house, whom daddy Craig lives with, and sleep on the floor.  The daughter does not want Grandma (also seen in video) to force feed her own vomit to her again.  The daughter does not want to ride in a car with drunken daddy and Grandma, and get pulled over for a DUI, like has happened before.  Wisconsin Judge David Miron sees no problem with this.

Please let Wisconsin authorities know that mother has been put in jail and will remain in jail until the daughter goes with these abusers.  A young girl should not be put in this position!

1.  Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle:  email him here.  Call him at 608-266-1212

2.  Call Wisconsin Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen , 608-266-1221

3.  Call District Eight (Brown, Door, Kewaunee, Marinette, Oconto, Outagamie and Waupaca counties)

Chief Judge Sue Bischel
Deputy Chief Judge D. Todd Ehlers

District Court Administrator H. Britt Beasley
414 E. Walnut, Suite 221
Green Bay, WI 54301-5020
(920) 448-4280, (4281)

See also: Why Is This Mother In Jail? and Craig Hensburger Has Daughter’s Mother Thrown in Jail Because Daughter Refuses to Be With Abuser

Craig Hensberger

From Psychology Today:

The next stage is defense: where you are defending yourself against the gaslighter’s manipulation. Think about it – you tell your boss, for example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments — you ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed….. well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn’t answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leave it at that – or redirect the conversation – you start defending yourself – telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed — or, that the stress doesn’t interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation…. going over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.
What’s worse, is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can’t stand that your boss sees the situation like that and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.

The next stage is depression: By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy – and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends – in fact, you don’t talk to people about your relationship very much – none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling — they treat you like you really do have a problem. One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie. In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn’t find the “right” kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband’s company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home, Melanie began to believe he was right – after all, what was more important than her husband. Why wasn’t she a more considerate wife? She was unhappy almost all the time – and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, besides that she was a less than adequate wife.
It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie’s view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life.
**********************************
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

Remember, there is good news about identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out — take back your reality, and, get more enjoyment from your life and your relationship!
Look for future blogs to learn more about manipulative relationships, gaslighting, power plays, and how to deal effectively and skillfully with these challenging relationships.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Robin

UPDATE (11/17/09):  Lorraine was freed yesterday after daughter agreed to go to abusers…she couldn’t take having her mother in jail anymore.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

November 13, 2009

Contact:

Irene Weiser

Stop Family Violence

iw@stopfamilyviolence.org

WHY IS THIS MOTHER IN JAIL?

(Oconto Falls, WI) Today an Oconto County family court judge sentenced a mother to jail because she was unable to force her daughter to court mandated visitation with her abusive father.  The daughter will be sent to foster care if she refuses to live with her father while the mother serves her sentence.

Circuit Judge David Miron sentenced Lorraine Tipton to 30 days in county jail for contempt of court, for her failure to follow the custody order requiring her daughter to live every other week with her father, Craig Hensberger.

“She’s terrified of going;  she has night terrors and severe anxiety” says Tipton, who admits her daughter hasn’t visited with her father since August.

“I thought the court was supposed to look out for the best interests of the child, not the best interest of the father,” Tipton continued.  “I thought once I got out of the abusive relationship everything would be fine.  Instead, my abuser is continuing his abuse of me and my daughter with the help of the court.”

Over the course of their on and off 8 year relationship Hensberger was arrested three times for domestic violence and once for child abuse.  Since their separation in 2005, Hensberger has been arrested twice for DWI, including once while the daughter was in the car.

Although the court has ordered Hensberger into alcohol treatment and ordered “absolute sobriety” when having visitation, the daughter claims he continues to drink to excess when she is visiting.   The father told the court he had stopped drinking completely.  The mother recently had a private investigator follow the father, who found that the father drank heavily on a night he was scheduled to have visitation.  In court today the father admitted to his continued drinking; nonetheless the judge still sentenced the mother to jail.

Hensberger achieved his local 15 minutes of fame in Oconto in March of this year, when he forced his daughter to enter 3 different fishing tournaments using the same fish so that he could collect the money – a story covered widely by local news.   While the local media angle related to his transportation of fish against DNR regulations,  Ms. Tipton’s concerns were for the well-being of her daughter, who was  being taught to lie, cheat and steal by her father.  Since this incident, the daughter’s relationship with the father has deteriorated, Tipton claims.

Additionally, the father’s employment is irregular, his house is in foreclosure and he currently resides with his mother.  The daughter claims she is forced to sleep on the floor in the living room or in the unfinished basement since there is no bed or private space for her in the small 2 bedroom house.

“Sadly, this case typifies the problems we are seeing in Family Courts nationwide,” says Irene Weiser, executive director of StopFamilyViolence.org. “Family court judges are failing to recognize signs of abuse, and are placing children in harms way.  Even worse, instead of investigating the abuse allegations, they accuse the parent making the allegations of being vindictive and punish them for taking actions to protect their children.  Often judges seem more concerned with maintaining the child’s relationship with the father than ensuring the child’s safety.”

###

StopFamilyViolence.org is a national activist organization that works to ensure safety, justice, accountability and healing for victims of family violence.   Irene Weiser coordinates the Family Court Reform Coalition, a coalition of advocates, professionals and organizations formed in response to the national crisis in the custody court system, where all too often, judge’s order children to live with abusers and punish, silence, or jail the parent who tries to protect the children from harm.

Irene Weiser

Executive Director

StopFamilyViolence.org

331 W. 57th St #518

New York, NY 10019

iw@stopfamilyviolence.org

UPDATE (11/17/09):  Lorraine was freed yesterday after daughter agreed to go to abusers…she couldn’t take having her mother in jail anymore.

Thanks to Wisconsin’s Judge David Miron, the biggest idiot in the state.

Lorraine Tipton was confined in the Oconto County, Wisconsin jail yesterday, November 12th.  She presented some excellent evidence in Judge David Miron’s court of daughter’s dad drinking alcohol to excess (including pics) and under examination, daughter’s dad revealed that he drank to excess one evening and then drove away from the bar.  This admission, coupled with the dad’s chronic alcohol related arrest record, was not enough to sway the judge to do any more than admonish the father.  Judge Miron did not want therapy for daughter’s father, he simply wanted daughter reunited with her father, sentencing Lorraine to thirty days in jail to make this happen.

Craig Hensburger has driven drunk with the daughter in the car before, and forced her to wait in the car as he and his mother were getting drunk in the bar.  The daughter observed Grandma being so drunk when leaving, she got into the wrong car.  Craig Hansburger then drove them all home in this state.  This was not the only time.  Once at their home, the daughter is forced to sleep on the floor.  Even though they are at Grandma’s house, she is afraid to sleep in the basement.   There has been substantiated sexual abuse charges against Craig Hensburger against his daughter, but nobody will do anything about them.

So this young lady waits while the courts jail her mother.  The daughter refuses, and mommy gets jailed.  If the daughter does not go to visit drunken abuser Craig Hensberger, Lorraine sits in jail, having concurrent sentences placed on her head.

What can we do?  For starters:

1.  Please sign the online petition here for her here.

2.  Email Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle and let him know moms don’t belong in jail when child victims refuse to be with abusers.  Email site is here.

3.  Please say a prayer for Lorraine and her daughter.  This is a lot to put on an 11 year old’s head.

Craig Hensberger has a history of being a corrupt bastard:

Same fish, different derby

Updated: Saturday, 14 Mar 2009, 12:27 PM CDT
Published : Friday, 13 Mar 2009, 9:34 PM CDT

• Becky DeVries

This is Lorraine’s contact information while in Jail for those wanting to support her via mailings…

Lorraine Tipton c/o
Oconto County Jail
301 Washington St
Oconto, WI 54153
(920) 834-6918

A group of mental health professionals are trying to get “Parental Alienation Syndrome” into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). Please contact Daniel Pine, M.D., pined@mail.nih.gov to let him know that PAS is a legal defense for pedophiles which has been thoroughly debunked by the National District Attorney’s Association, the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, the American Judge’s Association, and has not been accepted by the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association.  Dr. Pine is Chairman of the Disorders in Childhood and Adolescence Work Group, for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), Building 15K, Room 110, Bethesda, MD 20892-1381, Phone: (301) 594-1318, Fax: (301) 480-8648.

No wonder he is pushing it so hard, along with the other Whores of the Court that make a very nice income off of this. They are incapable of having a good practice, so they chase after the blood money in family courts.  From the Law Times:

Judge reverses parental alienation ruling

Controversial trend continues because opposing parents lack funds: lawyer

By Heather Capannelli | Publication Date: Monday, 09 November 2009

In another case underscoring the controversy over parental alienation workshops, Justice Thea Herman of the Ontario Superior Court struck down part of an arbitrator’s award earlier this year that would have removed two teenage boys from the custody of their father and sent them to Texas. The decision follows a series of judgments in which Ontario courts have ordered a change in custody and sent the custodial parent along with the children to participate in the workshop.

In S.G.B. v. S.J.L., the court set aside part of an award concluding that the workshop was in the best interest of the boys because the arbitrator relied too heavily on an assessment of them prepared by Richard Warshak, who admitted he hadn’t met them personally.

In his testimony and written evidence, the psychologist and author explicitly declined to make recommendations with respect to the children because he had never observed them before.

Yet the arbitrator ordered that the remedy was “necessary for the children in this case and completely consonant with their best interests.” Herman, however, decided that in making such a finding, the arbitrator’s order amounted to a “fundamental error.”

Another issue arose prior to the hearing when the father asked the arbitrator to order an assessment to determine the appropriateness of the workshop for the children.

The arbitrator declined to do so, instead relying on his own experience as a custody and access assessor. But Herman rebuked that decision, saying “the arbitrator’s experience can only be brought to bear on the evidence. The arbitrator cannot create evidence.”

In addition, Herman said the arbitrator failed to consider the psychological impact the workshop would have on the younger boy. He suffered from Klinefelter syndrome, a genetic disorder that, among other things, caused a language delay.

The facts of the case were as follows. The applicant, the father, and the respondent mother entered into the arbitration to help resolve issues surrounding their two sons L.B. and J.B., aged 17 and 14 respectively. The parents had been divorced since May 1999 and since then, the mother experienced an estranged relationship with both of her children.

After several attempts to resolve disputes about custody, access, and raising the children, both parents agreed to what turned out to be an unsuccessful arbitration in August 2007.

The proceedings were due to continue on Nov. 20, 2007, but the father brought a pre-hearing motion to prevent the arbitrator from making an order that might result in the children leaving the province given that the mother had been in consultation with Warshak for several years despite the fact that he had never met the boys. The motion was denied.

The arbitration took place in February and March 2008 and, based on Warshak’s report that the children were suffering irrational alienation towards their mother, the arbitrator awarded sole custody of both children to her and ordered that they participate in the workshop to help to restore their ties with her.

Logistically, this meant no contact with their father for the three months that the boys were in the program. Once the workshop concluded, communications could resume as long as those in charge authorized them.

The order also allowed the mother to use transporting agents to take her children to the workshop in Texas if they were unwilling to go on their own volition.

“The work of Dr. Warshak has been submitted for peer review so it’s not as controversial as the media hype may lead some to believe,” says Jaret Moldaver, counsel for the mother. “Dr. Warshak has successfully worked with children who have been alienated, and in cases where conventional approaches don’t work, it’s the only viable option to save the child from abuse.”

A larger issue, however, is that often these cases come down to a battle of costly expert evidence, says the father’s counsel, Jan Weir.

“My concern is that in most of these cases, it appears that one parent has the financial means to retain high-end counsel and experts like Dr. Warshak, but the other parent seems to have modest means and never retains an expert, meaning that they can’t lead evidence against the findings or methodology of Dr. Warshak.”

A week at the workshop costs about US$40,000.
According to Warshak, parental alienation syndrome is “a child’s unjustified campaign of denigration against, or rejection of, one parent, due to the influence of the other parent combined with the child’s own contributions.”

It is recognized as a form of emotional abuse that happens when parents get so caught up in their own problems that they lose sight of their children’s needs.

In an interview in 2008 with Maclean’s magazine, Warshak said the workshop “teaches children how to stay out of the middle of adult conflicts and how to maintain a compassionate view toward each parent” and that it helps the child “recapture a major part of his identity.

When the child no longer feels the need to pledge allegiance to one parent by rejecting the other, that’s enormously liberating.”

But Weir says the test in law for admissibility of expert evidence is whether it’s generally accepted by the profession. That’s because courts don’t interpret the evidence of experts on their own. “Is this a method that’s generally accepted by the profession at large?” says Weir.

“This kind of evidence is getting in because the parents who are on the receiving end just don’t have the funds to retain an expert to say that it’s not, that it’s untested.”

We can only hope!  We’ll have to find some more corrupt bastards to go after (they are many to choose from).  From “Expose Burrill”:

STAND UP AGAINST THE FRAUD JANELLE BURRILL AND HER ATTORNEY JOHN O’DONNELL. THEY CANNOT BURY REAL EVIDENCE. THEY CANNOT SHUT OUT THE VICITMS. OUR VOICES ARE BEING HEARD.

THE LIAR AND HER COHORTS ARE EXPOSED!!

The DCA Division of investigation is working hard for the last six months.
They have met with the victimized children that Burrill abused,
They have heard Burrill – caught on tape abusing, lying, threatening a child,
They have multiple court transcripts of Burrill lying under oath, pathological liar
They have heard from professionals that Burrill misrepresented and blatantly lied about in court testimony. They have uncovered evidence of fraudulent conspiracy.
They have met with over a dozen victims and recorded their stories
They have uncovered evidence of financial fraud and evidence of $$$ corruption.

The District Attorney’s office is now involved. All of Burrills cronies, friends in her PAS cottage industry cannot bury real evidence. DCA Division of Investigation will submit their findings to BBS and BBS will flush Janelle Burrill LCS License 16216 and file formal accusation (public content) for prosecution by Attorney Generals office.

Once BBS actions go public in the next couple of months, next steps of civil and criminal investigations and prosecution will start! This is the beginning of the end to the corrupt LCS practice by Janelle Burrill. All her past reports and recommendations to the courts in her fraudulent career will be thrown out. Take the AG’s report back to the courts once it is pubic to nullify any bull shit she filed with the courts.

What can you do? If you are a victim and have not been heard then contact

{Senior Investigator, Department of Consumer Affairs
Division of Investigation, 444 North 3rd Street, Suite 201, Sacramento, CA 95811
Tel : 916-324-1497 Ref : Fraud & Misconduct by Janelle Burrill LCS 16216}

If you live in Sacramento County, El Dorado or Placer County and have anything to do with the courts where Janelle Burrill is listed as a mediator, evaluator, therapist panel member – Reject her and tell the courts that Burrill is a fraud and point them to the DCA investigations – If they are part of Burrills cottage industry and do not hear then have them call DOI 916-324-1497 or BBS 916-574-7830 to listen to the facts. Don’t become victim number #16216. Stay Strong – Justice and Freedom is inevitable

Also see:

Victims Looking for Their Abuser Online?

Attention California Victims of Janelle Burrill: Support Group Being Formed To Find Relief

Janelle Burrill: Better Find Something Else To Peddle, so-called Parental Alienation Syndrome on Life-Support in California

Here She Cums to Save the Day: Janelle Burrill Gags Another Site

Janelle Burrill: If You Can’t Get Anyone to Buy into your Parental Alienation Crap, Gag ‘em

Mothers Interrupted